I've visited many clients who have come to a point in relationships that they become so emotionally involved that they are simply unable to resist the urge to swear, be sarcastic, elevate their volume, call each other names, or speak with cynicism and contempt when they are talking to each other. In some cases, they just can't get past blaming each other for something or another.

It's not unusual for this situation to occur when people who don't share common values are in close proximaty for an extented relationship. There tends to be a down-ward spiral of emotional feelings over time. Each time they have a discussion, it tend's to about the same topic with the same arguements.  No one leaves any more convinced than they were when the discussion started, and the only thing that changes is that both parties are more flustered and the conversation has deteriorated into a verbal slugfest.

I've witnessed situations and, admittedly, have even had the occassion to participate in a few of these exchanges where due to illness, tiredness, hormonal influences or total frustration, people have become much more angry and even less able to control the tone and words that comes out of them.

Regardless of the situation, if you believe in the human soul, bad or disrespectful language is really not appropriate under any circumstances if it is targetted at another individual. I always suggest that the person spewing it out needs to have a second look at their actions and, at very least, needs to expect that the person they are targetting has the right to vacate the situation until they've calmed down. No one can take away the right of self-expression. But venting does not teach self control and anger does not justify disrespect.

After working with many clients and closely observing, I have formed a belief that is somewhat different than many counselors, psychologists or even coaches. Most of them will look at expressions of anger and conflict as a signal that change is required. They don't necessarily see it as a negative. I definitely agree that it is a signal for change and it is also a reality, so there is no sense making it worse by blaming someone for instigating it. On the other hand, I do believe that conflict and contemptful language is inherently destructive and much more than just a signal for change. It is something that needs to be replaced with other more effective skills for recognizing the need and instigating change.

Language that is disrespectful to the soul is rarely (probably never) helpful and I would encourage that you avoid it at all costs whether you are on the giving or receiving end. If you are on the receiving end of some-one else's verbal lashing, I encourage you to make the choice to vacate temporarily until both parties are able to speak respectfully. I would also encourage you to accept their comments as an expression of frustration rather than any reflection of your personal qualities. There maybe some valueable information, but it needs to be re-packaged.

 If you needs some help in finding better ways to communicate, get some help.

All the best,

Garth

What makes people "Difficult" and how do we deal with them?

We label people “Difficult” when they are extremely persistent in their thoughts and behaviors and say or do things that we don't like. "Difficult People", in most cases, don't choose to be "Difficult". They don't say to themselves, "I'm going to be Difficult to get what I want". They have simply learned that by being the way they are (using certain verbal techniques, physical gestures or raw emotions; yelling, angry silence, stubborn resistance, imposing guilt, or insulting you), they get what they want. Sometimes they want control, other times they just want attention or sympathy. Getting what they want re-enforces their behavior. 

Here are some ideas for dealing with "Difficult People":

1) Increase your Emotional Intelligence
The more we understand why people act the way they do, the more we are able to use that knowledge to get past our own emotional reactions. When you've been hurt by someone, it's very difficult to remember this, but these are not "BAD" people. They are almost always “GOOD” people who have learned “BAD” strategies. Remembering this puts a new light on our interactions with them. Rather than blame them, help them learn better strategies. Make it mind game instead of an emotional game. Refuse to react unless they are physically abusing you. Getting upset only supports their strategy.

2) Insist on conversations that respect human dignity
If someone violates this rule, especially someone of equal rank, then with as much kindness, respect and love as you can muster at that moment, simply refuse to have a conversation that does not honor and respect your (and their) human dignity. As you exit the conversation (and physically exit the room if you can), tell them you'll be happy to re-visit the conversation when you’re both ready to speak appropriately to each other. Most people will react very badly to this at first. They'll pout, get even more indignant, try to make you feel guilty or cowardly for abandoning the situation, and they’ll escalate their bad behavior. Be firm! As soon as they realize you won't back down, they won't have any choice and they'll eventually start talking to you the way you want. Doing this with a difficult boss is a little trickier because rank is an issue. Still, if you do it with utmost respect for them and not out of anger, you can impose these rules in small increments and you’ll find that “difficult people” speak to you in more acceptable ways and treat you as an equal. Remember, you must also speak to them with the same respect.

3) Make sure it’s not you who’s being “Difficult”
We tend to believe that when someone is “Difficult” to convince, it's they who are the problem. This is especially true when people are labeled as "Stubborn" or "Bull headed". Friction occurs when two sides are rubbing against each other. It may be our own actions that are causing the friction. Find someone who you can trust to be neutral to get a second opinion.

4) Learn how to talk so that others listen
If someone is resisting your ideas, remember, they have a different view of life, different concerns, different information and different life experience. Think of them “Different” rather than “Difficult”. Start by listening for their concerns and make sure your ideas take their concerns into account. Present arguments that you know will appeal to them on an emotional basis.

5) Take a break if you are frustrated
Don’t try to solve a problem when you are up-set or angry. Go away for at least 30 minutes, re-think your approach, do not use the same argument that you’ve already used. If they didn’t buy it the first time, you’ll only deepen the problem by repeating it.

The Language of Emotional Intelligence by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D (sub-title The Five Essential Tools for Building Powerful and Effective Relationships)

Jeanne Segal, starts by describing how Emotional Intelligence is formed as a result of our primary Attachment Bond which is usually our earliest relationship. This normally occurs with our mother.

In short, if the relationship is healthy and incorporates play, effective stress management by the parent, the skills of emotional intelligence are generally learned. She also describes how infant relationships can be misleading and just because a child is quiet doesn't necessarily mean that the child is a "good" child. It may also have implications on the skills that the child is learning with regard to how they interact with other or withdraw from others.

Healthy interaction between a parent and child helps the child to develop trust relationships which lead to effective skills. Stress relationships that are releived using play and other tools effectively mitigate the toll that stress takes on the relationship and help to restore communication.

More importantly, Segal sheds light on the fact that even when people have been reared in an unhealthy relationship, they are not necessarily destined to suffer with unhealthy relationships forever.

The brain remains elastic throughout life and can generate new neural paths. This fact allows us to adapt in our world as we learn new information and as our intepretations broaden. As we begin to understand the language of emotional intelligence, we are also able to more effectively manage relationships.

Segal gives many situational stories both to show examples of problem communications as well as examples of restored or managed communications. 

The tools she describes include:

1. Stress Busting - knowing your stress signals and the stress signals of others and how to relieve it
2. Emotional Communication - how we developed our emotional language and factors that limit it including reluctance to experience deep emotions or allowing them to run wild and exercises to increase emotional intelligence. 
3. Non-Verbal Communication - How actions and gestures often speak louder than words and how you can study your own non-verbal communications to be more aware of what you are communicating by using video or audio tools.
4. Playfulness and Humor - How children and babys learn through play and how to use playfulness and humor to lighten situations, reduce blaming, relieve stress and over come difficult circumstances and also when humor is not appropriate
5. Conflict Resolution - How children learn conflict management in early years and how the conflicting needs can be more effectively managed with effective listening, observing non-verbal ques, building trust, choosing your arguements and learning how to end arguements.

Over all the book provides a balanced and hopeful view of emotional intelligence and provides some helpful techniques and practices in building a greater awareness of your current levels of emotional intelligence and exercises to help you increase it. Like any book, though, you really do need to practice and it's not as easy as it seems when you are reading.

Over the past months, we've all been witness to the various elections going on around the world. The ones most visible to our part of the world are the Canadian and US elections and those in the news in other parts of the world including Pakistan and Zimbabwe. As a Canadian, it is easy to see the flaws in elections where voting irregularities and violence are common and we can take pride in the fairness and devotion to democracy in the US and Canada and other parts of the world who strive to hear the voices of all their constituants.

The question is, in countries where democracy is working relatively well, what is it that we can do to encourage our governments to do better? What can we do to prepare for the next century?

I admit that my interest in politics is, to some degree, from an outsiders point of view. Still, I do believe that there are some ideas that the general public might benefit from and that they may consider them in future voting and sharing with their elected officials. I offer these as ideas for those who are interested to ponder, rather than points of criticism of what is admittedly a reasonably good system.

July 24, 2008 

Frequently when I meet clients for the first time, they have a desire to speak their perspective. This is normal and it's not harmful as long as there is no one else listening. We all want to be heard and when we feel that we aren't being heard we feel tremendous frustration. It's also quite normal that we repeat things that have been said many times before. They are generally correct in the conclusions they are drawing and can't understand why others don't share their views.

What most people have difficulting adjusting to is the fact that repeated conversations tend to drive relationships further into a hole rather than solve the challenge they were intended to solve. As the relationship worsens, many other factors, stress, depression and health problems start showing up and making any hope of having that conversation virutally impossible and even, in some cases, physically impossible for the other party to respond to.

Just for a moment, place yourself in the position of someone in your organization that has a job that is not particularly world changing, and may not be high paying. If you want to enroll them in your vision, what do you do? How do you make a vision compelling even when it translates to a fairly routine job in a work place that serves a fairly normal function in the world?

As an owner or executive of the company, you may feel a real passion for your business and you may be able to create a vision that drives you forward on a personal level. That doesn't necessarily translate to your employees.

And if you are the employee, you may see that your employer gets excited about their work but does that get you excited? What would make you adopt the company vision as part of your own personal vision?

How do we help our workers to deeply connect with their personal contribution to the company and know that they have contributed something valuable to the world each day?